the cold sun

Good morning world.

okay, technically its 1030 am and not exactly early but all my friends are still sleeping like logs.

Technically, everyone’s sleeping like logs except for me. 

(stupid body clock)

Last night was really … crazy… and exhausting. Being half conscious and trying to constantly account for everyone is not easy at all. I can only vaguely remember the few precious moments and the memory of shoving and jostling is still pretty fresh in my mind.  I am just really glad I have the right people with me to help me ease everything.

(right now, my knees and feet are crying in protest)

It’s recess week (again). But at least this recess week I get to do something super cool, like get my diving license. It’s highly ironic that I can dive now but not drive. Legally. I really need to get my driving license soon. And despite the horrible seasickness that haunted me during the trip, I truly enjoyed it and really appreciated the 3-day trip. On a side note, I got to spend my birthday overseas! Okay, though its only just Malaysia, but its something. ... right?

Now, sitting in my room I am dying from the thought of my red-filled planner. I feel so bad that I don’t have enough time for my family and my other friends. sigh. 

When will I ever be free and not have anything to do.

Thinking back to last week, I have come to realized how much of an eye-opener it was for me. HTHT sessions let me in on things I didn’t know about and confirmed things that I suspected (what can I say, my sixth sense is superb). And these HTHT sessions gave me a chance to ponder about myself. I realized that though I may seem to be “open”, the wall I have built up is far too high and far too strong to be broken down. And right now, I don’t see that as something to be fantastically proud of. Even though I constantly tell myself to let people in to this citadel, I am really having a hard time convincing myself to actually materialize it into action. True, over the years, there are cracks and fissures here and there, made by the people I hold most precious. Some of them may even have left a print behind the walls but I honestly feel that it is not enough. Sometimes, I feel that I don’t really belong. That I am just looking at my world through a telescope. I feel detached sometimes and at times, I feel attached. I hate this feeling of not having a place. At the same time, I am awfully jealous of others for having special relationships and able to share “knowing looks” with each other while the clueless me stands at the corner.

Trust is something that I really want to have, but it is so far, so out of reach.

But, I will try harder because I think it will be worth it. 

xoxo