swim

I am having a mental block right now. Okay, not exactly. It is just one of those days where you have so much to say but you just can’t seem to put them into pretty little sentences. I am feeling so much right now and these emotions are rushing up inside me. I can’t exactly say I hate them and neither do I like them very much. I have so many questions inside of me and I don’t even know how to start them. Why is it that every time, I think that there is a possibility of some distant, minuscule happiness, it gets deflated as fast as a balloon? It’s like, I always get my hopes up high just to have them crumble back down again. It hurts and it sucks that I have to watch all these tiny tiny hopes dissipate into plain disappointment. It's like I don't even know if my turmoil of emotions are actually real or made-up. 

I told myself a thousand times that whatever is meant to be, will be. I told myself to let go and move on. To not care and just be myself again. to be at peace. But somehow, my brain is not registering it. I hate how I am always waiting for my phone to vibrate and obsessing over every single minute details of you. I hate how I am constantly so conscious of everything I do now. I hate how my heart beats a little faster, my lips smile a little wider and my body tingle with happiness at the thought of you and every little nonsense I am being put through now.  More importantly, I hate how I am no longer myself, no longer the girl I wanted to be or used to be.

It’s like I’m drowning.

Yet, I don’t want to be saved. 

xoxo