We will have the life we really want.

How long has it been since I wrote? How long has it been since I sat here in front of my laptop trying to think of inspirational stuff to write. But it has been really long since I got any alone time for myself.

(Alone time that doesn’t involve me sitting in my room desperately trying to cram trade laws among many other things in to my head at 2 am)

Two months ago, I remembering making a draft of a potential post but it never saw the light of the day because I was “too busy” or “too tired”. I am tired of being tired. Tired of coming up with reasons why I feel this way. And the most frustrating part of this is that I don’t even know why I am like this.

They say they want to know my “pains” and can’t understand why I am so unwilling to share them. Well, I myself don’t even know what these “pains” are ─ I just know that they’re there. Maybe, these “pains” are a collection from those that shared theirs with me and it doesn’t really seem right to share what was theirs to others. Right? Right.  Maybe, I received so much that I became unwilling to share mine. Why add on when they are already so burdened with theirs? Maybe I have been emotionally independent for so long that it feels weird for me to open up.  But ironically, I hardly mind taking a share of their pains and their sorrows. They made me feel more human and everything else real.

I am trying to change. "To open my heart" as Nicole puts it.  Really. Long 3 am talks with Nic had been really useful on my path towards my supposed self-realizations.

The past two months of finals got me wondering if I have chosen the right course. Thinking back on bdg’s comments awhile back made me question myself. I can’t exactly say that maritime has always been my passion and neither am I particularly good at this course. So why did I choose it though? I am honestly not sure. I haven’t actually found my answers yet.

But I am happy where I am now. Happier than I have been for the past few years of my life. I met friends that would last through. I have a feeling they will.  And that’s the most important right?

Right. 

xoxo